Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Favorite Child

Sometimes I wonder if H.B.Nanna thinks her brother is the favorite child. He requires more hands on attention because of his age and sensory issues. I don't like to use his sensory issues as an excuse but it happens.

It would only make sense if she did. I mean she hears multiple times a day "No you can't do that because of your brother." Or "Please don't hug (kiss, touch, look at} your brother right now!" "No I can't talk to you about _ right now, can't you see your brother needs me?" And my heart hurts for her. Daily.

H.B.Nanna and I had a thing when she was the only child. She was my girl that did everything with me. She was well behaved in restaurants, in stores and we really enjoyed taking her places. A lot has changed in the last 2.5 years. I feel like she takes a backseat to her brother and she {for the most part} handles it as well as any 6 year old can. I don't want her to take a backseat anymore! I want her to push me for Mommy/Daughter time. I don't know if it's because she is in school all day and our weekends are always busy but I feel very much like there is not enough time in the day/week/month for her and I to spend together.

I remember when we were considering having a second child, Stephen told me he didn't know if he had enough love in his heart to give to another child because H.B.Nanna and I had it all. Well I can tell you that he found enough love for all of us. I didn't doubt for a second that I couldn't love another child.

The Boys sensory issues regularly require us to be 1 step ahead of him. Knowing what could trigger sensory overload and how to prevent it is how my brain works these days. It means skipping out on things because he can't handle it, it means saying no to something that I know H.B.Nanna can handle and it means putting one child's needs before another. And that hurts my heart everyday.

I know that as he gets older and is able to better self regulate, things will get easier. I don't want to look back and think that we missed out on things. We've talked about scheduling regular Mommy/Daughter and Daddy/Daughter time to not only help H.B.Nanna know how much she is loved but to also help me. To help me feel like I am not failing as a Mom because I can't do for my children the way that I want to.

It does get easier, right?

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